I'm back home in Fleetwood for the weekend, in my old/new room . It always feels really empty when I come back here from university, with all my photos off the walls and all my funny little sentimental things in the boxes up in the loft. Coming back here is starting to feel like going on holiday, especially now that nothing about this room feels like mine anymore. I might have a new double bed and a new 40" tv on the wall, but I don't live here now so I guess those things aren't really mine. I always used to ask my mum for a sign for my bedroom door that said 'Hollie's room', just because I always thought that if people went upstairs to the toilet and peeked round my door then they would know that all of the photos, tickets, paintings, clothes and everything else were mine. Probably because I felt like they moulded me more than anything else, sad really. And I did a questionnaire recently that asked 'Do you feel that your possessions shape who you are?', and it made me think that it must be a common conception that they do. I think I understand the other side of wondering what people will think of you by what you choose to own, or create or fritter your money on, but sometimes it's important for those things to just be acknowledged, even if not accepted.

Also, in other news, i'm not quite sure what I have to look forward to anymore. I don't even know where i'm living next year and it is not going to be easy to sort it out. I would temporarily quite like to push the door to in the box room closed, slide across the curtain under my bunk bed and stay there. (if only my bunk bed hadn't been replaced by an extra wardrobe for my parents and another pc) but i guess life goes on. (i know that it definitely does and there are more important things to worry about than this but at the minute it's just making my head that little bit more cluttered than it should be)

THAT'S JUST WHO I AM THIS WEEK

I'll hide with you where to the tracks tell the truth. Berlin will do, train says it's leaving here soon. No more platform goodbyes for us to do; this time i'll climb on board, and travel with you.

IT WAS ABOUT. MISSING A GIRL. PREVIOUS TO HER.

silent night sleeping away my life i never though you did right. i never thought you did right.

Who knows how long it will take.

• Take some passport photos
• Return Natalie's provisional
• Reply to John Moores
• Realise that I really do need to start packing my things into boxes ready to leave
• Develop my camera film
• More time at my nans' houses
• SEE TANYA
• and Sophie, Wil, Natalie, Chris, Jenni and so many other people.
• Dine out with Soph

and a million other things oh my lord

Sometimes i can feel myself crashing into ribs and bone as i try to escape yet i can't even hold myself to that because nothing i say is ever sufficient. I don't understand where and how i am going so wrong but i feel like i'm doing everything that makes me sad to myself and i've wished so many times that someone would ask me why i let myself until i tell them the truth, but now i don't even think i ever could.

right now

i love it because you seem to blow my mind everytime.

exactly what i've got.

i never want to turn my phone on again so maybe i just won't bother.

So here's to romance and hot summer nights, walking through tall grass; there's safety in here.

there's never going to be a next time because you only live once and right now i'm glad of this because i'm struggling so much and no one even knows. or if they know they're pretending they don't because why would anyone want to disrupt their own peachy life to wait for someone who's fallen behind and there's only so much you can do via airwaves.

mannn i'm so rhetorical.

can i take my life off can i take my life, off

not going to win you round with prose if anyone should know then I should know.

felt so included today and it was satisfying. i have a lot to say but can't seem to get it out in a way in which can be tolerated, so for now this is all.

- the buzz lightyear that escapes from Al's Toybarn in Toy Story 2 and his sporadic movements
- middle oven jokes
- last week of college ever ever ever ever
- my laptop working again, finally.
- secret 90's spotify playlists and fake tan lessons
- the cash that is slowly accumulating in my secret savings bag ready for a holiday
- not wearing black for the first time this year
- billy hudson for just being the best thing that ever even happened. (this is an ongoing project and is deemed for completion; never)

OH GOD TAKING MY MIND OFF ANYTHING IMPORTANT IN HISTORY WITH JENNI.

I PROMISE. I PROMISE. ALL LOVE WAS LOST AND IN THE RUBBLE ARE ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF.


i feel like i'm reliving a sequence from a film in which todorov controls the narrative.
fuck you todorov. and fuck you temper trap. and dominos pizza and the early fucking stuarts. fuck you wansbeck avenue and last.fm and liverpool john moores and 3mobile and pokemon heart gold but most importantly fuck me for giving a shit about all of the fucking above.

fuck

KISS OF FUCKING LIFE HOW ABOUT SUCKING IT STRAIGHT OUT AND FORGETTING THAT IT WAS EVER THERE MOTHERFUCKERRR. (H2) O ALONE DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU OR TO ME OR TO THEM IT'S TO BE SHARED SO STOP TAKING FROM LUNGS AND SELLING FOR LESS THAN THE AMOUNT OF BREATHS IT TOOK FOR YOU TO SUCCEED.

finally, something is bubbling.

and in other news i'm building a wall not a bridge but feel free to knock it down whenever you feel ready. the longer you leave it, the taller it will get. coooooolll


'sometimes i feel like i'm playing crazy taxi, but then i remember that this is real life.'