Is this something,that would interest you?

2011-01-28T23:43:00.002Z

I'm back home in Fleetwood for the weekend, in my old/new room . It always feels really empty when I come back here from university, with all my photos off the walls and all my funny little sentimental things in the boxes up in the loft. Coming back here is starting to feel like going on holiday, especially now that nothing about this room feels like mine anymore. I might have a new double bed and a new 40" tv on the wall, but I don't live here now so I guess those things aren't really mine. I always used to ask my mum for a sign for my bedroom door that said 'Hollie's room', just because I always thought that if people went upstairs to the toilet and peeked round my door then they would know that all of the photos, tickets, paintings, clothes and everything else were mine. Probably because I felt like they moulded me more than anything else, sad really. And I did a questionnaire recently that asked 'Do you feel that your possessions shape who you are?', and it made me think that it must be a common conception that they do. I think I understand the other side of wondering what people will think of you by what you choose to own, or create or fritter your money on, but sometimes it's important for those things to just be acknowledged, even if not accepted.

Also, in other news, i'm not quite sure what I have to look forward to anymore. I don't even know where i'm living next year and it is not going to be easy to sort it out. I would temporarily quite like to push the door to in the box room closed, slide across the curtain under my bunk bed and stay there. (if only my bunk bed hadn't been replaced by an extra wardrobe for my parents and another pc) but i guess life goes on. (i know that it definitely does and there are more important things to worry about than this but at the minute it's just making my head that little bit more cluttered than it should be)

2010-11-10T22:26:00.001Z

THAT'S JUST WHO I AM THIS WEEK

2010-10-24T01:50:00.002+01:00

I'll hide with you where to the tracks tell the truth. Berlin will do, train says it's leaving here soon. No more platform goodbyes for us to do; this time i'll climb on board, and travel with you.

2010-09-06T20:05:00.002+01:00

IT WAS ABOUT. MISSING A GIRL. PREVIOUS TO HER.

2010-08-19T09:58:00.001+01:00

2010-08-18T20:40:00.002+01:00

silent night sleeping away my life i never though you did right. i never thought you did right.

2010-08-14T14:04:00.002+01:00

Who knows how long it will take.

Take some passport photos
Return Natalie's provisional
Reply to John Moores
Realise that I really do need to start packing my things into boxes ready to leave
Develop my camera film
More time at my nans' houses
SEE TANYA
and Sophie, Wil, Natalie, Chris, Jenni and so many other people.
Dine out with Soph

and a million other things oh my lord

2010-08-08T23:51:00.004+01:00

Sometimes i can feel myself crashing into ribs and bone as i try to escape yet i can't even hold myself to that because nothing i say is ever sufficient. I don't understand where and how i am going so wrong but i feel like i'm doing everything that makes me sad to myself and i've wished so many times that someone would ask me why i let myself until i tell them the truth, but now i don't even think i ever could.

right now

2010-07-20T22:43:00.001+01:00

i love it because you seem to blow my mind everytime.

2010-07-10T23:29:00.002+01:00

exactly what i've got.

2010-07-08T00:31:00.000+01:00

i never want to turn my phone on again so maybe i just won't bother.

2010-06-24T00:25:00.001+01:00

So here's to romance and hot summer nights, walking through tall grass; there's safety in here.

2010-06-13T23:44:00.002+01:00

there's never going to be a next time because you only live once and right now i'm glad of this because i'm struggling so much and no one even knows. or if they know they're pretending they don't because why would anyone want to disrupt their own peachy life to wait for someone who's fallen behind and there's only so much you can do via airwaves.

mannn i'm so rhetorical.

2010-06-06T13:05:00.002+01:00

can i take my life off can i take my life, off

2010-06-03T02:10:00.003+01:00

not going to win you round with prose if anyone should know then I should know.

felt so included today and it was satisfying. i have a lot to say but can't seem to get it out in a way in which can be tolerated, so for now this is all.

2010-05-29T17:41:00.004+01:00

- the buzz lightyear that escapes from Al's Toybarn in Toy Story 2 and his sporadic movements
- middle oven jokes
- last week of college ever ever ever ever
- my laptop working again, finally.
- secret 90's spotify playlists and fake tan lessons
- the cash that is slowly accumulating in my secret savings bag ready for a holiday
- not wearing black for the first time this year
- billy hudson for just being the best thing that ever even happened. (this is an ongoing project and is deemed for completion; never)

OH GOD TAKING MY MIND OFF ANYTHING IMPORTANT IN HISTORY WITH JENNI.

2010-05-17T12:18:00.000+01:00

2010-05-15T20:18:00.005+01:00

I PROMISE. I PROMISE. ALL LOVE WAS LOST AND IN THE RUBBLE ARE ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF.

i feel like i'm reliving a sequence from a film in which todorov controls the narrative.
fuck you todorov. and fuck you temper trap. and dominos pizza and the early fucking stuarts. fuck you wansbeck avenue and last.fm and liverpool john moores and 3mobile and pokemon heart gold but most importantly fuck me for giving a shit about all of the fucking above.

fuck

2010-05-02T19:57:00.002+01:00

KISS OF FUCKING LIFE HOW ABOUT SUCKING IT STRAIGHT OUT AND FORGETTING THAT IT WAS EVER THERE MOTHERFUCKERRR. (H2) O ALONE DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU OR TO ME OR TO THEM IT'S TO BE SHARED SO STOP TAKING FROM LUNGS AND SELLING FOR LESS THAN THE AMOUNT OF BREATHS IT TOOK FOR YOU TO SUCCEED.

finally, something is bubbling.

2010-04-30T13:39:00.003+01:00

and in other news i'm building a wall not a bridge but feel free to knock it down whenever you feel ready. the longer you leave it, the taller it will get. coooooolll

'sometimes i feel like i'm playing crazy taxi, but then i remember that this is real life.'

2010-04-29T23:25:00.007+01:00

i need to stop so much stuff but it's really hard when you've only just got used to it being allowed. i need to stop relaxing and start worrying, but then other aspects are desperately in need of more relaxation and less worry. i need to stop looking and pushing and asking and probing and knowing and repeating and trying and crying and hating. AND I WILL start knowing and seeing and probing and looking and crying and hating and pushing and asking, but this time, the right way. and for all the right reasons.

2010-04-20T19:43:00.003+01:00

the past is not what it used to be, and in the same way i guess you could say the same for the future. i'm telling you it's easy but when i'm battling with the same thing myself i know how hard it can be.

but finally, things couldn't be better and i just wanted to let you know because i always sound so sad when i'm definitely not. total.life.forever.

2010-04-18T00:26:00.002+01:00

i can't bring myself to listen to this with you and i'm really so sorry.

honestly mate*, you look sterling.

2010-04-14T22:55:00.006+01:00

*life

elaborate
guessing the weather and stopping laughing to look. so loud in the car and pulling over to choose the next cd. knowing which side to walk on, which hand to hold, which tap to use. knowing that i'd want it to be black, but proving you all wrong and branching out in pigments. growing it long and piling the metal. supermarkets and dvds and duvets and nintendo and dominos pizza. waking up with your favourites, sneaky texts and cheeky catch ups. knowing that he's a 'texter' not a 'messenger', and inboxes to keep up the joke. looking forward to yourself. looking forward for yourself.

collaborate
1hr 40 root canal with guest appearance of Gyrados, and making friends with the dentist. being careless and misplacing your favourites, but then reaching back out as far as you can without falling into the water. customised, idolised and terrified. replacing the lost with the new. wishing your misfortunes onto someone else, just because you know that they would be willing to go through them with you. finding out that you already share them. seeing your best friends face for the first time in months, even if only constructed via pixels. breaking it with what i know is the most difficult thing to admit. (for this i am grateful)

evaporate
the feeling that she has an ulterior motive although i know that she doesn't. damaged thumbs and rashes on legs. pasty pasty pasty, and things that do not belong to you; tshirts and socks and trousers and pyjamas and dvds and games and tights. sometimes feeling that not everything is as it seems and taking it out on your reflections. forgetting about the broken and that split second where you contemplated crossing the line.

2010-04-12T19:25:00.001+01:00

I dreamt that you were on a train, you were leaving, you were leaving. It made me think of what i'd miss if you were leaving, you were leaving.

You bring out the best in me, so show your expertise!

2010-04-08T23:39:00.003+01:00

Upside; everything you have ever wished for ever and more on top. Everything that you are told is right, and the occasional wrong, just because you can.

Learning from yourself, and from others. Learning about yourself and for yourself.

Taking from yourself everything that you never even knew you had. The traits that you feared would do you wrong, the laughs at the wrong time, the frozen eyes in glances.

Ignoring the obvious and treasuring the subconscious, the spontaneous, the beautiful.
Meaning every. fucking. word.

Allowing yourself to be completely yourself. Wearing the clothes on the outside that are you because you are happy with the you on the inside.
This place is not dead until you give up. Never give up because life, it's there for your taking.
Uproot and take note. Nothing is set in stone until you sit down and carve it for yourself, if you want it enough it can be yours.
Make it happen. Make yourself happen. Make your life happen.

2010-04-06T11:14:00.002+01:00

so close that you don't have to bother. THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE I KNOW IT I KNOW IT I KNOW IT. mother. fucker.

2010-04-03T22:42:00.001+01:00

grabbing you by the head and asking outright.

whoever you are, this is what it will eventually come down to. just so you know.

2010-03-31T23:52:00.004+01:00

You didn't know you didn't know you didn't know so don't pretend you saw it now. It's not something you'd want to happen;
but now you know who you are again.

it is within your grasp. i know, i reached out and took it, and now i know who i am again.

2010-03-29T23:40:00.003+01:00

thankyou to my beautiful boyfriend for putting up with the leeds ticket sale effort, even though he is not coming. (but definitely no thankyous to him for making me lose on the wii) (twice)

tomorrow i will spend every spare minute of my time writing about the possible semantic shift of a text from 1886, and i cannot wait. boom

2010-03-26T23:49:00.004Z

- in a shop full of people
- at work
- corridors where you can't look at the floor
- the bus at 4pm
- alone trying to watch dvds
- in a car with friends
- at home with family
- queuing for the toilets
- in the bathroom with the door closed
- walking to the bus stop
- in a car with the people who only make it worse
- under the covers with a book

when everything but the only exception leads you to the same place and you know that you do not want to go there, where do you go next. i can't be my own friend, but i don't think any of you even understand. and sometimes, i feel like you don't even try to. i wish you wanted to get inside and see for yourself.

2010-03-24T22:41:00.000Z

'do you ever wish for tomorrow to come, just so you can get out of bed and try it all again?'

i think he knew that my answer was yes just by my expression, as i stood leaning against the printer feeding in already used pieces of paper for the seventeenth time.

'Sometimes, it's the boring stuff I remember the most.'

2010-03-23T19:30:00.002Z

and other times, it's the things that don't happen, rather than the things that do.

2010-03-21T14:41:00.002Z

i know it didn't happen but when i saw you walking back towards me i felt that i was both the worst and the luckiest person in the whole world. i'm so lucky for you letting me love you.

AND NOW I'M DONE. nothing else ever ever ever.

2010-03-19T08:50:00.006Z

in a room full of brand new faces that you have never seen before, how do you portray to them an accurate analysis of yourself? how do you, as yourself, ensure that these people take from you the most truthful view of you as a stranger? this first impression is about to create the basis for any future friendships, relationships, breakdowns or enemies, it is crucial to be truthful. the real you. now is the chance to leave behind anything that you would rather let go of than horde, the overextensive sarcasm, the defensiveness, the paranoia? but what about other things? this new slate leaves you open to influence from anyone and anything, but it's okay, because you're strong and you can withstand the pressure to change and conform. yet how can you be sure that the 'real' you from back home was not in fact initially influenced by those around you? primary, high school, work, home, college. are you really as much your own person as you think you are? are you more them than you are you? how do you determine what is you and what you think is you? i know that we are all held together by those around us, they create the foundations of greatness, but the ambiguity of the action of deciding, in that split second, who you are, scares me beyond reason.

i think i'm losing it blogspot.

forget the horror here

2010-03-17T15:30:00.002Z

i'm the fury in your head. i'm the fury in your bed.

there is so much empty space in my head right now that even when translated into words it is not sufficient enough to fill this text box. and for this, i am sorry. (especially to chris)

but in other and more literal news, i chose Liverpool John Moores as my firm acceptance for September. i hope to see you all there. all of you. love is abstract and has no limits, whereas distance is physical and cannot be altered. no matter how much it may try to get in the way, when you are fueled by abstract rules and feelings, nothing can stop you. ignore the linears of windows and screens, smash through them and make your own prints back to where you know is home.

2010-03-13T23:39:00.005Z

i see so much of me in her and you in him. but there's never anyone there.

it's getting blurry and i don't know where this crossover starts or ends.

'and that is exactly, what love is supposed to do.'

Sigh No More.

2010-03-13T16:34:00.003Z

mumford and sons this time you are wrong. you are wrong you are wrong you are wrong. she told me that she can see it too and that means that you are wrong.

but regardless, today's realisation made my eyes sting so much that i didn't even want to open them and look around. it was beautiful and modern and practical and exciting and safe and welcoming and convenient and everything i could have asked for, but it's not the one. i know where is, but just thinking about it evaporates the tears and replaces them with hate and loathing. i just wish i had somewhere to direct it, i feel asif i'm being ripped from my own body with no one to blame. but i know that no one is to blame, it just hurts to think that there is nothing i can even do. i'm so scared of wanting the wrong thing. so. fucking. scared.

i just don't think i can stand the worry, it's bad enough as it is.

2010-03-08T22:23:00.002Z

I spend too much time listening to secret songs on YouTube, playing Sigh No More through my Playstation 2 and not knowing what to do with myself. I tidied my room and i'm starting to feel like I actually want to be in there again, to the extent that I never want to leave. I'm also still struggling to make paper cranes; even though the man in the video makes it look so easy. Nice way to avoid things Hollie, you absolute let down.

And I watched Snog, Marry, Avoid with Billy in my newly arranged bed, this was not a let down.

2010-03-06T22:59:00.006Z

I WISH YOU KNEW WHAT ESOTERIC MEANT, NEVER-MIND PRACTISED BEING IT WITH ME.

i feel like i'm lacking some basic principles here. but it's just a thought, and what do i know?

+++

2010-03-01T23:35:00.004Z

after thinking about this in the shower, i realised that no one even knows what i'm talking about. i'm going to try and stop writing about this on here because i know you all must read this and wish i'd shutup. it's hard to get across what's inside my head without drawings or diagrams, and words, like clothes, can take on a whole new existence if read/worn by different people. This has also awoken me to the fact that i'm averting my attention from other less significant yet worth-remembering factors of my life through blogging. This will be followed by a list of such things, and now i'm really done.

My personal tutor thinking that 'kinky boots' was the name of Victoria Hesketh's stage name.
Arguing about Haute Couture with people who do not have a clue.
Joining up the freckles on Billy's tummy with pens to make pictures.
'Cock Box 360'.
No one else being sat upstairs on the bus on the way home.
The fact that i am not having a baby.
Knowing that my Two Door Cinema Club pre-order should be here tomorrow.

x///

2010-03-01T22:52:00.002Z

i'm expected to know what this means but i really don't even have a clue and sometimes i get the innate feeling that everyone is turning away and i don't know how to turn them back or even stop them. i'm so paranoid and scared so much of the time that i don't know what is right and what is wrong, and i swear that i spend the majority of my time in the wrong.

'if everyone became so sensitive, perhaps i wouldn't be so sensitive'

the next line makes me physically sick and i'm not sure if it is avoidable or not. watching her make it seem so easy and necessary again brings it all back and is making me think about what half of me thinks i could be missing. i need someone to tell me that i'm wrong and mean it, but i can't see any circumstance under which this is going to happen. ciao x.

oh and ps. life is ok a lot of the time, but this keeps on getting me down. sorry if you're getting sick of me.

2010-02-28T21:18:00.004Z

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE/ARE JOKING.

There aren't enough flowers in the world xx

2010-02-23T21:34:00.004Z

when you hear something and your heart skips a beat. but more so when you don't hear that something and your heart just sinks. but i know that i loved her just as much as any of the other grandchildren, and i know for a fact that in some cases i appreciated and adored her so much more than they ever did. excluding me from a list of names in a church service does not change this, and never ever will. i had, simultaneously, the most awful, upsetting, beautiful, inspiring, reminiscent and frightening day of my life, but i know that my nan would be proud. and i'm so proud of my mum for everything. everything everything everything. i just hope to one day be as strong as she is. (i'm never likely to admit this again so take note of it now whilst you can)

my nan Eardley said to me today, 'family is everything, and some people don't realise it until it's too late', and i 100% know that she is right.

2010-02-22T23:26:00.004Z

i think tomorrow is going to break me.

and in other news, why haven't i told my best friend? and why do i feel like i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore? i know i've got you but i'm just so disorientated that i don't even think i know how to use the phone anymore. i don't know whether to lie to you or to pretend i don't know or to just never think of it ever again. (i know the last one is not an option) i'm scared because of what i've heard but never believed, scared to not suffice.

we look out, upon, the sea; the coast is always changing.

shutup maximo park shutup shutup shutup. stop saying it better than me.

and plus, i hate the fact that it's always the shit stuff that forces us together. nice one family, nice one.

2010-02-20T19:26:00.002Z

i swear nothing ever goes to plan, (plan being how things run in my head). but i guess reality overshadowing expectations is to be presumed.

i'm finding it harder and harder to care and i'm finding it easier and easier to ignore. i don't know whether this is good or bad or pitiful or weak, but i'm in no place to go looking for the answer right now. i swear reality hits you over the head with an ever increasingly large object every time things set themselves out straight, and yet all i can see is the unorganisation and chaos and mess and lust and loss and anger. i'm so lucky i just sometimes wonder

#1. if i deserve to be.

#2. where the proof is.

i signed in here to attempt to write something in a private post to read at my nan's funeral, but once again i didn't even know where to start. i could really do with an escape through the form of not being alone right now, but maybe i should just be more patient.

give it give it give it give it, until you just can't give no more.

2010-02-15T23:00:00.002Z

i've heard it so many times; 'when one door closes another one opens'. but this weekend i've learned that this is close enough to be entered for a place in reality. a new door didn't open, but a door definitely closed and allowed another to protect me from everything i was scared of.

for enabling me to cry and not make sense and to be held and comforted, and listened to and loved, for this i don't think i can ever thank Billy enough. i could never ask for a better boyfriend/bestfriend, and if you're reading this, i don't think i could have done it without you, so thankyou.

to my beautiful beautiful nan, to her wisdom and humour, her affection and kindness; rest in peace, and let your memory stay with us forever. i know that nothing can ever take that away.xxx

2010-02-12T21:41:00.003Z

i don't know how to say goodbye, or if she'll even still be able to hear me or know that i'm there, but i need to do everything i can to make sure that she knows how much i love her before she falls asleep for ever.

i've been holding onto your horses, haven't i?

2010-02-12T18:26:00.004Z

'it should have been you first'.

i'm sick of everything. it's when the simplest things go missing that it becomes apparant, and i don't know why i'm such an idiot and feel the need to leave it out. i just want to be wanted i guess and in a way this makes me feel as though i need to try harder.

i can't lie to myself though, no matter how much i wish i could.

2010-02-12T12:07:00.002Z

Lee McQueen
1969 - 2010. rip x.

2010-02-09T23:13:00.001Z

reassurance to myself that no matter how shit things feel in the short term, in the long term things will be okay.

satisfying the need to trust yourself infinitely in order to make the best of your life. xxx

the universe said

2010-02-09T00:14:00.004Z

'let this pass you by'

i miss my dad getting the chance to be my dad. i know he means well, i just need to let him know it and get him to find the time to put aside for me. i know he is so busy with work, but i've spent too much time trying in vain to catch the attention of my mum, and i think it's about time that i gave up. he shows more interest in the 10 minutes a day that i see him that she ever does, and i don't know whether this makes me happy or sad. (basic emotions but i don't know where else to look) although tomorrow i will probably want to come back and erase all of this because of a petty argument, i mean it and i'm going to try my hardest to get him back.

without going into detail i also got the chance to explain to Billy what has been eating away at me since high school. he didn't think it was weird and didn't say i was pathetic. and his opinion matters to me so much so much so much, and made me realise that although i feel better for telling someone, it can't be a nice thing to hear from your girlfriend. chris told me today that if it is important to you, it should be important to them, and i couldn't agree more. i think i need to fix this, as much for your sake as mine, although maybe i'm being overextensive and presuming that it bothered you as much as it would have me, but surely two brains are better than one and i'm sure i can stop this from taking over again, so thankyou.

tomorrow, infinity is not as fast as me.

2010-02-07T21:39:00.002Z

i have found that there is no restorative power of silence. i would like to share this with you if only you expressed the intention to share it back with me.

and i wish my mum didn't sit by the phone and wait.

2010-02-05T13:56:00.003Z

so sometimes they can't get it totally right, but who expects perfection?
my friends, boyfriend and family mean that although sometimes i may feel as if i am, i am not alone. and this is here to stay.

2010-02-04T21:33:00.003Z

and my name is hollie, not hannah. you fucking idiot.

2010-02-04T16:48:00.002Z

having romace is boring to hold and play through a cd player really makes me feel more content about the whole thing. no more 'fuck you's to gareth, and i'm sure that he'll be able to explain it so much better than i ever will, so this is good.

but it's annoying when the weight of the bad stuff weighs more than the good. i can't wait to see sophie and i can't wait to spend valentines weekend with billy and to go out with matthew on friday, but even the prospect of my three favourite people doesn't seem to balance things out. i've realised that it is 100% quality not quantity, in so many different respects. i may be looking forward to so many good things, but one bad thing outweighs them all despite the numbers. i feel i'm always so negative here but i think that it might be because i'm scared for people to hear it out loud and then be unable to hide their own fears. my nan tried to tell me that everything would be alright today, but her voice shook and i could see it in her eyes that she wasn't sure herself. this makes me feel worse and i do not long for the spoken reassurance that everything is going to shit; i can do that for myself. i just need to get rid of these thoughts to avoid the above happening. although it would be nice to be given the chance sometimes. i know it's hard, but it's also difficult to not feel alone once you've given everything you have and don't know where to go next.

but then sometimes, nothing even matters anymore. i just need my nan to stop suffering.

"No matter how much you think you are into talking to other people or the restorative power of silence, there are going to be moments when only plugging music into your head will allow you to be totally alone.”

2010-02-03T17:18:00.003Z

insignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificantinsignificant is all that is going through my head at 50 times a minute. I WISH IT WAS EXTERNAL.

it feels like

2010-02-02T22:34:00.003Z

i've been waiting for this to be relevant for the past 6 years. and i guess i have in a way, because i've known all along that it was coming, but just didn't want to think specifically about 'when'.

i think that some of us are just scared by default. not knowing what else to be when faced with decisions and change. and loss. so much so much so much loss, but gain at the same time. helen tried to tell me today that it's probable that the gain will balance out the loss, but i can't imagine how it ever possibly could.
i don't know what to be apart from scared, and letting myself find out scares me more than anything. i don't know if i'll be sad, happy, anxious, worried, excited, distraught, apprehensive or enthralled, who knows, because i know that i definately don't.

now i'm scared to be scared. i know that it will mean that i'm hiding something, i just wish i knew what.

just don't forget to, think about me and i won't forget you. i'll write to you once a week she said. xx

2010-01-31T22:21:00.002Z

forgotten what it feels like to think of me before i think of you. fuckk

2010-01-31T00:45:00.003Z

sometimes everything just makes so much sense in your head that you want to tell someone. but on closer inspection you can't even imagine where or how you would start to extract such thoughts and launch them into conversation. or into words.
i'm going to go with the idea that this applies to now.

just because you are beautiful, does not mean i am doomed. (i bet you wouldnt even know if you listened to them) i know that you look like abbey lee kershaw, of course i do. but no one else at work knows/does/or cares.
sophie said that all she sees is a bum chin. i wish i wish i wish i could say the same. i don't know what is wrong with me because i know that i can't overpower what i know is right, because i know that it's right. (logic) but i still can't help having the thoughts that make me promise myself to try and make it change. promise myself to try to make an effort. to take more care and be less lazy. exercise more and stop getting more and more distant from how i want to be. this is the shittest post because i pretty much explained how i couldnt explain this in the first pargraph, but just went with it anyway and tried to do what i know that i cant. (logic, fail) what a waste of my time.

NB.
chris and nat, this may to you sound like im trying to come out as a lesbian. im not i love billy and he is definately a boy.

OH AND PS. on the subject of billy. i had the best time with him today and last night. im so lucky to have him. (that sounds like i own him i dont)*

*i so do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2010-01-27T22:55:00.002Z

i'll pick you up pick you up pick you up.

hollie,
it has been brought to my attention that your self-centred actions are getting to those who mean the most to you. face the facts, get on with it, and stop being so selfish before it's too late.
with regards,
hollie.

ps. there is nothing to be scared of.

2010-01-26T00:51:00.002Z

he is probably better at expressing what i'm thinking more than anything i could say or do. it feels partially biographical, despite knowing the impossibility of such a thing. and plus, i swear i've posted this before? that makes me feel like i'm going in circles. boo

anytime, i don't mind.xxx

2010-01-25T18:49:00.004Z

i love it when my friends find the time to hack my blog, facebook, twitter, hotmail and dailybooth all in the space of half an hour. they're pretty joke :')

AND IN THE DARK, I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BEAT

2010-01-25T17:08:00.001Z

I Sometimes find the need to Munch on rugs...
No seriously..
I love sophie so much and I heartily believe her munch nees rugging

Munch love
hollie

2010-01-23T22:36:00.004Z

but i'd go through hell for you?

2010-01-23T11:58:00.002Z

i need to get on liverpool john moores, leicester and leeds trinity open days. they're all so soon.

and i need to get on vietnam. and the rise of the female action hero. and representations in slumdog. and american civil rights in 1875. fuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkk

2010-01-22T23:33:00.001Z

which all sounds worse than it did in my head.

2010-01-22T23:26:00.004Z

it was going to happen, inevitably. it's best to dust yourself down, and get straight back on the horse.

sometimes when you don't know if you'd even mind being the point of contact. the source of impact and knocked to the ground. the times when you give up wondering and just want to get it over with and see what would happen.

the scariest times, especially when you are alone with no one to stop you.

2010-01-21T17:20:00.003Z

i was secretly glad that this root canal means that i can't eat anything, and i think that that is part of the problem. but realising is part of the solution, right?

i really want to go to the cinema tonight, i wish i'd known i wouldn't be able to go to work so i could have planned to go. booo

'i wish you could feel as bad as i do i have lost my mind'
- words from the weak. (or week) you choose.

2010-01-19T22:35:00.004Z

I HATE PUTTING ALL OF MY TRUST TO ONE SIDE FOR YOU AND THEN NOT HAVING ENOUGH LEFT TO TRUST MYSELF.

dear hollie pattison,
it appears that there has been a major organisational error surrounding the placement, or more accuratley the 'mis'placement of your trust. and on behalf of hollie pattison i would like to apologise, and assure you that it will not happen again.
yours,
hollie pattison

ps. keep going

2010-01-18T22:54:00.002Z

'the idea of the unknown being just around the corner. new, fresh and untouched. unexplored and unexpected.' for caveman envy, i take no credit.

Meghan Collison

2010-01-18T15:47:00.001Z

Do you have a story that started on Hotmail? Tell us now

2010-01-17T22:22:00.005Z

masha novoselova reid kastyn karlie kloss abbey lee kershaw elsa sylvan natasha poly catherine mcneil sigrid agren toni garrn ginta lapina constance jablonski magdalena frackowiak imogen morris clarke jessica stam isabeli fontana mariacarla boscono lara stone alyona osmanova anna jagodzinska

why do they help me to stop when no one else does? why do i feel like i'm not good enough anymore? i want to leave but i have no where to go.

i waited for my phone to ring and it never did. you told me that you would.

2010-01-16T22:48:00.006Z

i made (in my opinion) the most beautiful photo album this morning (and by this morning i mean early am) and filled it with 2009. it was difficult to make a heirachy of the best times, as there were so many photos, but not adequate space. it was alright though, it felt a bit like the time i made a card for Sclarke for passing her driving test, and for Lorna and (i dont remember Sophie's dad's name and this makes me sad, so so sad) Soph's dad for letting me stay at 53a. but yeah, it felt great. that's pretty much it, i just wanted to tell someone.

2010-01-16T14:46:00.004Z

i before e except after c. or w. or s. or n, a, and f. or you. i mean, u.
i'm going to try and stop making the exceptions to this rule from now on, everyone else seems to have given up, so why shouldn't i.

2010-01-15T18:30:00.003Z

never pick sides, never choose between two.
but i just wanted you, i just wanted you. i think you're a contra.

(i'll give you chance to google it and try to make it apply.)

70:15. i keep feeling like i'm being, under, cut. unless you mean the album packaging, because it's the most beautiful boxset i've seen. thankyou lc, i feel like you are 500 and i am 500; 1000 years in perfect symmetry.

2010-01-14T22:14:00.004Z

i'm not going on, i know you've had it too, and first, but we said that we would never get like this. i obviously wanted to tell you about it and the one word response brought back everything we'd ever complained about. i feel like i'm missing out on sharing the most beautiful moments with myself because there's no one there to tell them to.

(just so you know, i wasn't going to go into detail and i dont hold it against you. you're my best friend, how could i)

2010-01-13T01:31:00.001Z

'HELLO BEAUTIFUL PPL OF THE COUNTRY OF FUNERAL
HOW WE ALL FEELIN?
NOT SO GREAT, WELL THATS BECAUSE WE'RE NOT IN THE BEAUTIFUL VILLAGE OF LEEDS
I HEAR THAT SOMEBODY DIED, THATS BECAUSE WE ARE PARTYING SO HARD
THIS SONG IS FROM MY HOME COUNTRY AND WAS NUMBER ONE FOR 82 WEEKS
*CATCH A PENIS*'

i realisd today that i'm not scared of university, i'm just scared of losing 4 people. only 4, tragic i know.

body barely visible as bleach white as the bed sheets

2010-01-11T22:29:00.003Z

they promised they'd be best of friends from now until forever, but both were far too needy not to fall for the other.
and how the frequent public displays of sisterly affection; they left her feeling safe left, him with an erection.

walk out onto your front lawn, face into the rain, shout into the wind
'this will never be the same'

2010-01-10T23:17:00.003Z

i could hear him shouting what he wanted from another room, and i could hear him directing here towards his credit card. i could hear everything he was saying; talking over her. although i must have missed him thanking her.

i heard her tell me that it was the worst present that she ever bought him.
and i wish that i could have told her that i knew, because i really really do.

like a melody in my head

2010-01-09T20:51:00.005Z

that i can't keep out//

it's like i can't decide if i've decided if you've decided yet. yet i think that i know that you have. 'know' and 'think' being the operative words. i just think that if the tables had turned, the changes wouldn't have been received as they were. because from experience, they never have been. it feels like the warranty is running out and i'm scared because i don't trust my own insurance.

but i can't really make sense of that, so i don't know how i expect you to. x

you leave underdressed,

2010-01-08T00:05:00.006Z

and we exhale and roll our eyes in unison.
woe is me, and woe is you. and woe is us, together.

painting the most beautiful picture, the most alluring ending. the most significant time and place, and every look that crosses your face. but is that what you want? you need this and want this and feel this and know this. but the realisation that maybe you were scared for the wrong reason. the feeling of getting what you want too easily. being scared. soso scared. wrapping yourself in a blanket, closing your eyes and wishing for fridays with seashells and lions. (but knowing that you wouldn't let it work, even if it could)
i'm scared of you being scared. i was scared when i guessed right, and i can imagine you being scared too. i fear accelerated readers, and anticipated readers. and slow readers and average readers. dyslexics and annorexics. my words not being your words. you can't digest them like i do, no matter how much i wish i wish i wish that i could share them with you. you could have them all, my empire of words. but coulds are not cans, and i'm sorry that i can't even change it.

please someone tell me what i'm thinking, because seriously, i have no fucking idea.

2010-01-06T00:45:00.001Z

i will get my leg over my head before 2011. i will.

We've got your back what, ever that's worth.

2010-01-05T22:00:00.004Z

You're one of the good ones Hollie.
Don't be sad and don't feel bad about anything. Really, I mean that.
And hopefully we will meet. You seem really lovely.

Thank you for being good to us, and for letting us mean something to you.

Love Gareth x

-----------------------------------

so it's all okay after all x

2010-01-02T22:36:00.000Z

'Hey guys.

I really want to—wait what course do I want to do again? That doesn’t even matter. What’s important is that I give you permission to accept me into your group. A few of my favourites tv shows include scrubs, shameless and friends. If you like these too, we could all sit and watch them sometime. We could even open a few beers and have crazy sex.

Anyway shit she’s back,

Accept me please

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx'

2010-01-01T22:01:00.004Z

that feeling when you're more scared than you've ever been before. knowing that it's close. so so close. everyone staring, and making a mess on other people's shoulders. and the feeling of being in the way. and sitting alone. and crying alone. when all you want is the reassurance that you can't possibly have. the promises that can't be made, the time that can't be given. the time that's running out.

other people noticing, but you being the only one to truly know. only you don't really know because you don't think about it enough for it to feel real. realising that it is real but being too scared to make it stop. (knowing that you don't even know if you could make it stop, even if you tried) crying because you're happy that you've finally stopped being too scared to be sad.

the feeling when your favourite band decide to split. the feeling when things don't go to plan. the feeling when your phone runs out of battery when you need it more than ever. attacks. panic attacks. losing the ability to control your own panic attacks despite knowing exactly what you need to be doing. the difference between breathing and giving up. the difference between being alone and together. led on the floor in the bathroom because you're too scared to explain. too scared to go back. selfless and uneccesary cheating. cheating. cheating. cheating. flirting with the wrong ones, comforting the wrong ones. knowing your limits and being sober enough to still just know. seeing the space, but having nothing to fill it with. (or even worse having something to fill it with that is already preoccupied)
all the smallest of things when taken apart, but the start of the beginning of the most important year of your life.

i believe in soulmates holl, and i think i've found mine. i'm pretty sure that it's you.

that feeling when your best friend makes you cry more than you've ever cried before, but for all the right reasons. because you love her, need her, and miss her, all at the same time.
the feeling when she does it but they can't.

fearing that 2010 might not be your year, and not knowing how to give it the chance to be. i hope everyone gets everywhere they want to be. and lives how they want to live. i just hope that nobody gets left along the way.

merry fucking christmas.

2009-12-25T00:50:00.006Z

everything is so perfect yet i am so scared. it's not fair and i can't even stop crying because i don't know how i'm supposed to stop myself from thinking about it. it's not fair it's not fair its not fair.
i've never said i don't need you, and it's always going to come right back to this; please don't leave me.
but you're my best friend and it can't be helped. i need you to go and make the best of yourself. everything with uni, and in manchester with adam, and everything else. i just don't know how i can make the best of myself without you. you are my best, and when half of me is missing i won't be crying wolf.
next christmas won't even be the same, and neither will the one after. or the one after that. not that i'm even a major fan of christmas but i get the feeling the shits going to miss the fucking fan, and just stick to the ceiling and stay there. fuckk. i'm running out of air, and it's not fair.

secondly, you heard my voice shake as i said it, but i know it will be worse as time disappears. i don't know how to make it slow down or how to do anything. i feel just like i did the time i got lost in Matalan near the lunchboxes. until now i'd just kept it inside my own lunchbox. in the cupboard behind the first aid kit and the iron. the cupboard with the sewing kit. you know the one. the one where everything you don't really need gets put.
i really don't need this, i love you too much right now to worry about being forced to lose you, but everytime i go to get the iron it looks at me with a look that says 'although you might be hiding me inside this lunchbox, i know that you know i am still here.'.

everytime the letters arrive the first thing i feel is sick, but then i think about the next 9 months we have together and close the cupboard door. i really should go and get in bed and try to sleep, but i keep having dreams where africa comes and sits inbetween me and matthew in a minibus. i hate them but i don't know how to make them stop, so sleep is not my favourite thing right now. but my bed still smells of Billy, and i'm going to put on his pyjamas and eat one of the thorntons chocolates he bought me for Christmas. i don't know how he does it but he just does, i'm so stereotypically head over heels and i love it.

i would never pull the trigger, but i've cried wolf a thousand times.

2009-12-23T02:31:00.002Z

everything shook so bad and my head felt so full of everything and nothing and it all wanted to come out at once. but i'm getting closer and closer to the ground, and closer and closer to youxxxxx

2009-12-21T00:01:00.001Z

don't let me get me.

how did that get decided?

2009-12-17T19:39:00.006Z

i decided. with my head.

since he said you out loud, i feel asif you are burning under my skin trying to get to me. i'm not going to let you, your presence only makes me more determined not to let you out. i will keep you enclosed and encased. under my skin and in my veins, because i will not be the one to be laughed at. the one to be taken the wrong way. the one to be taken from you. i will not let you make me feel any less than her.

you are a feeling. an emotion.
you are an abstract noun. you are a colour.

and i know that no colour actually exists outside of our brain's perceptive view of it. everything we call a colour only exists in our heads. you seem to only exist in my head and i know that you would never ever mean anything by it.

but you are not a single wavelength of electromagnetic radiation in the 'visible' spectrum. you are a person. not a colour. not an emotion, or a feeling. a person. one of my closest friends. you do not exist only in my head. and i hate myself for those times when i wish that you did.

make a good man, turn bad.

2009-12-13T23:52:00.002Z

please please please, let me let me let me; let me get what i want, this time.

i drag my teeth across your chest and taste your beating heart, and i've never felt more content than when i do.

i've had such a draining day. i had the most beautiful morning with my great nan. great by default, but ACTUALLY great through her selflesness, knowledge, her ability to make me smile no matter what the situation, and the excess amount of love forever making it's way from her, to what seems to be all of us. it's got to the point where i can't handle seeing them together though, and i'm so scared that me and my mum will end up the same. i can't handle someone talking to my favourite person in the whole whole world in such a way, but i'm too scared to cry because i don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like i'm taking sides. i'm not, i just don't like it when people are mean for no reason. (this is so literal but i'm too empty to write anything more)
we went to the crematorium to visit nan and grandad's grave, and it all just felt so surreal. my nan saw her first robin of this year just as we got to her mum's grave, and everything was just so perfect and it made me the happiest i've been in so long to see her in such a state of content.
but all day i've felt pushed aside by my mum and dad, after trying to tell them that i miss them and having it thrown back in my face. it's my mum's birthday tomorrow, and i don't even want to end up ruining it. it was hard for me not to bring it up today, but their 23rd wedding anniversary would have been a pretty big thing for me to ruin. i just want some recognition. recognition of living in the same house. recognition of being in the same family. recognition of similar interests and insignificant things like recognition of how i spend my time. maybe i'm asking too much, but at the moment i feel like i'm hardly even living for myself. my time seems so unevenly cut into slices, the majority of which get handed away without much recognition. although this is true, the slices i keep for myself; the ones that i share with the two most important, have recently been overshadowing everything else, and making everything worth the effort. matthew and billy probably haven't even realised how much physically i rely on them, (or maybe they have and i'm just being naive and submissive. i dont even know, or really care.) or how much i appreciate their time. i should probably let them know more often.
plus, i'm pretty scared about things having a double meaning, because i don't think anyone even understands how i see things. i wish people could see how good everything looks inside my head. but i've noticed that people tend to be so negative about everything and it's starting to get to me. it's like everybody has a dream round here but they're too busy to even care about it. to nurture it. to see it through. i wish more people could see what i see, because i don't know how to paint it out. or draw it. or even say it. sometimes i think i just don't do enough to get it out there, but then i look at how my time disappears and maybe i'm wrong. there's so much that i want to do but i just can't. too much to write but i just can't.

sometimes i don't even know anymore, and this is so disjointed. i have an english language mock exam tomorrow, but ive not even had chance to pick up sophie's booklet that she leant me. and i havent' wrapped my mum's birthday present. or nat's. and i haven't changed my key skills. and i haven't phoned sophie. or matthew. and i haven't sent ida her christmas card. or made one for matthew billy and soph. i feel like time is running faster than i can handle; im living two frames behind everyone else. two bad orders down the make line. five minutes after the bus has left. an hour after departure closed. but i dont know how to fix it.

Home Jo, and don't hold back on the horses.

2009-12-09T21:19:00.003Z

TO WHOM IT DOES NOT EVEN CONCERN BUT APPARANTLY IT DOES,
I would very much appreciate it if you could stop spreading your lies. They quite clearly suggest that I am a liar, and not to mention the fact that they* make me want to vomit. Thanks in advance.
with deepest sympathy for your insignificant, pathetic existence,
Hollie.

*you

on a more positive note, i am eating out with my family tomorrow night, and hopefully spending some time with my mum in the day. although, i'm still thinking about why/how i've got to be like this, and matthew is making me think about why i let everything go. i can't seem to get the right balance between 'what i see myself doing', and 'what i actually do'. i keep feeling like i'm in the wrong.
i know that i'm not.

the world is coming down outside, but we'll look the storm right in the eye. there's monsters tearing down the walls, but stay with me, stay with me, don't notice anything at all.

2009-12-07T20:23:00.004Z

sometimes you make me feel as if i already have.

/././././

2009-12-04T23:45:00.003Z

it's hard to read about reading. but reading is how we learn, so let's learn about learning.

i love college, i really really do. and i'm starting to love work. and shopping. and i rarely feel guilty about eating anymore. everything is starting to take shape, including christmas!

yes i believe you!!!!

big love

2009-12-04T00:33:00.006Z

so the castle is built.
now we just need to get inside and enjoy it, before time runs out in 9months and we're forced to move out.

an example is falling asleep watching The Culture Show knowing that there's not much of the day left, but not caring because together is together; asleep or awake. (but also because you are tired and can't think of much else to do on a rainy Thursday night.) i don't know if it's clear where i'm coming from or if this just sounds like a cliché, but i don't know how else to explain without writing penning the transcript.

everything keeps fitting into place, and although i feel like this should worry me, fuck it. i'm too busy exploring what life looks like to care. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2009-12-03T22:20:00.009Z

i will probably start spending more time with you, you're my mum and i need that. and i'm going to learn sam's town on piano and play it to you, and tell you how much i appreciate the piano lessons that you paid for me to have at primary school, because i doubt i ever did.

im going to write to you more often, i need that, you're my best friend. i'm going to tell you things that best friends tell their best friends, and i'm going to hear your voice a lot more. i'm going to make sure you get your christmas present on time, because it means as much to me as i hope it will to you.

i will come to visit you just because i love you and i want you to know. i will listen to you tell me about your day, and i won't read the television magazine; i will listen. i'll tell you about work, and how i want to save up to go back to new york with tan because when you paid for me to go in 2007 it was one of the best things that i've ever been lucky enough to experience. i'll let you complain to me about her, because i know exactly how sad you must feel and you need to let that out. i'll offer to make you a cup of tea even though i know i am wasting my breath, because you are worth everything that i can give.

i will tell you in detail, not in passing comment, how my day was, and i'll wait for you to tell me about yours. i want to know about prisons and courts and the Liver building and how it is a way of life. i want to tell you about dominos and mathpop and spotify and lee evans. there's only 9 more months to revert back to you being my hero and not just my dad, but i know there's still time.

i need to find out when you are around, so i don't clean and then leave. i know sometimes you don't understand and everything seems so confusing, but i want to be patient and explain to you how everything works without seeming in a hurry to leave. i'm not, and i never will be. i will stay a night at your house, like i used to when my parents went away. but this time it will be just because i want to, not because i must.

i will tell you more often that you are my everything. i need you to know that, i think it's what keeps us together. i'm going to stop complaining when you need to do work on our frees, you know i only want you to excel at everything. i'm just jealous that it takes up time we could be spending talking and laughing, when time is quickly running out. i told you that it'll always be me and you, and i meant it. i'll tell you again nearer the time. i would tell you sooner, but you know that if i could, i would.

although you do not always understand anymore, i will keep telling you that i love you, because i want you to know. i will keep visiting and reminiscing, even if you don't fully know what i mean. you were, will and always will be my nan, regardless of how much you forget or just can't remember; 95 beautiful years and i do not blame you for one second. just so long as you know it, i will always remember the times we made cakes and you taught me how to sew. always.

i will tell you soon, because i need you to know. and at the same time i will thank you for bringing out the best in me, even though you may not have even realised it was you.

i will continue to wonder how things would have been if we weren't both so stubborn. you were my best friend for 6 years and i will never forget.

next time i see you, i will tell you that i love you because i don't remember the last time that i did. you're my sister, and surely we need that. when we get tattooed i think it's going to put everything straight in my mind that you are not just family, but my best friend and i don't know what i would do without you.

this is only an outlet, i am yet to find the way in.

bbbrrrnnnnnn

2009-12-01T23:08:00.005Z

i've spent a lot of the past 2 days cleaning up the mess left behind by irrational decisions and actions, first metaphorically, and then shamefully physically. but after fixing things, everything seems worth it. i don't know why or how i've apparantly changed into this forgiving creature that apparantly just wants to avoid conflict and make everything right, but i have that feeling in my tummy that it might be because of you. (or him, which ever you want to go for depending on who's reading this) i realised that you can't force someone to cross a burning bridge, and you can't expect them to follow you if you decide to risk it for yourself. but i also realised that if the trust is there, and the lust, and the need, and everything else related, you can meet halfway and help each other bridge the gap. i like to think of it like the episode in Sabrina, when Harvey is tested by Hilda and Zelda. it is as much a test for Sabrina as it is for Harvey, as she has to decide whether she wants him to risk his life for her. deep stuff going on back in 97 there. whoever said that kids tv shows didn't set you up for life experiences?

i've also got into the habit of writing down spoken or written words that i seem to just connect with. it's strange and i can't really explain it, but the trips to the OED always just feel right, even though i never know what the outcome is going to be. today i fell for 'anaphora', and i made the mistake of telling people.

*note to self*
do no tell people about the connection you feel with virtually unknown words; they do not understand and completely underestimate the power of language.

2009-11-28T21:35:00.003Z

hits you as hard as a blow to the head, a smash to the skull or a knee to your chest.

frozen

2009-11-28T19:03:00.002Z

in headlights.

i find it strange that just after i wrote that last blog post, i got left with no ground to stand on.

*note to self*
don't tempt fate.

#4

2009-11-27T23:53:00.002Z

i hate looking forward to something so small, that when it doesn't happen, you have no ground to stand on.
i know i know i know i know it doesn't mean it.

but sometimes, i wonder if it does.